Torn and Terrified

I am having a lot of roller coaster emotions right now. And most of which I'm having difficulty trying to put into words to explain. I feel torn. I feel terrified. I feel apprehensive. I feel hopefulness. A feeling of excitement comes on occasion. And even more that I just can't explain. 

I once had a very best friend. We had a terrible falling out a few years ago. Some harsh words were exchanged. Then all communication ceased. A few months ago, her and her husband separated, and so her husband and I began talking and hanging out again. My husband and her husband are friends and they also work together. Then her & her husband reconciled and got back together. I thought for sure that him & I would no longer talk. Bcuz of the history between her and I, I didn't think she would want him to talk to me. But we do still talk via text once in a while, just not hang out or talk in person. During one of those text conversations, he made a comment that he wished her & I could get past our issues with each other so that we could all be friends and hang out together again. And to be completely honest, I can't say that I haven't thought about it over the years many, many, MANY times. I have. I have thought about what it would be like for things to be as they used to be. I do miss my friend. I miss the good times we all used to have. I miss having a friend to talk to about anything, someone other than my husband. 

So on Facebook, her husband is on my friend's list. He has been since right after they got separated. And he still is. And now she is on his friend's list and listed as his wife. Which of course is how it should be. So a few nights ago, I decided to "poke" her just to see what she would do. I figured if I didn't get a "poke" back, then she either deleted or ignored it. And then I would know that there would be no place in our futures for us to again be part of each others lives. But the very next morning to my surprise, she "poked" back. When I received the notification of it, I was shocked. And a wave of excitement went through me at the same time. Since then, we've been "poking" each other back and forth. That is all that it has been so far. I would like to know if she misses me. I would like to know if she wants to try to be friends again. But how can I find out without actually talking to her. I am nervous to know. I am excited and terrified at the same time. Many people do not think I should ever even think about being friends with her again. But then again many people thought he should not let her back in his life again either. But he loves her so much. And she loves him. That's why they always end up back together. No one can fault them for that. 

We all make mistakes in our lives. We all have situations that we could have handled better and in different ways. But that's how we learn right. I've learned a few things from the fall out with my ex best friend. Some good things, and a couple not so good things. When all of this went down, I was devastated. I couldn't understand why my best friend would just completely cease all communication with me without any explanation. I felt like my heart was ripped to shreds. I loved her like a sister. After 8 months of nothing, she messaged me. I should have responded. But instead I messaged her husband first. That was definitely a situation that I should have handled differently. After that a bunch of things happened. We tried to get back to where we were but I think there was just too much tension and animosity. But here we are about 4 yrs later after the original fallout. I am feeling torn bcuz on one hand I want so much to have my best friend back. But on the other hand I am nervous and terrified of getting hurt again. How do you trust again after what happened and after all this time? I would imagine if she is even thinking about it, that maybe she is thinking some of the same things ... maybe ... or maybe not. I don't know what she's thinking. I don't know how she feels. I don't know any of that. I guess that's another part of why I'm so nervous and terrified, like needing to know the water's safe before jumping into it. 

So I guess I'll see what happens from here. 

Here is a picture of my best friend and I the day that I got married. She was my matron of honor. She stood with me by my side. Who knew that about a year or so later, that would be gone. You'd never guess that from looking at this picture. 

Until Next Time,

♥ Margie ♥

An EX That Keeps Coming Back ...

We all have them. They are the EX's in our lives that keep haunting and taunting us and weeding their way back into our lives and causing problems over and over again. And they're not always ex-spouses or ex-boy/girlfriends. Some are ex-best friends that have had a huge impact in our lives that at one point were so important to us that they were close enough to be like a sister or a brother. 

So yes, I have one of these EX's. She was my best friend. She was like a sister to me and an aunt to my kids. And suddenly out of nowhere, she wasn't. 

Ok, so let me give a summary from the beginning. Names will be changed to keep anonymity for all. I started working at a call center. One of the people that I worked with was a guy named Eric. Him & I did specific job tasks together and became friends. There were times when he would tell me about his girlfriend and how overly possessive she was of him and how she wouldn't even let him talk to his best friend that he had known since he was a kid. A few months later I went to another department for a three month temporary position. That's where I met Melissa. She was Eric's girlfriend, although it was a while before I realized it. So Melissa and I began to develop a friendship. We started hanging out together all the time and actually got to a point when we were pretty much inseparable. Eventually her & Eric got married. And my now husband and I got married a couple years later. She was my matron of honor. On occasion she would have money issues that she didn't want Eric to know about so she got a few of those payday loans to cover her tracks. Then when my husband and I sold our mobile home, she asked me if I could help her pay off her payday loans and she would pay me back. Ok, actually she begged me to loan her the money to pay off her payday loans and swore up and down that she would make a payment to me every payday to pay me back. I agreed to loan her the money. And once again as life has proved time and time again, money was the beginning of the downfall of our friendship. It was not a small amount of money. And of course no payments ever came my way. And bcuz this was all hush hush from Eric, I couldn't make a big deal about it. I would constantly hear Melissa talk a whole bunch of crap about Eric and how unhappy she was and what a jerk he was and stuff like that. It was a really trying time and put a strain on the whole situation since I was also friends with Eric.

Eventually, Eric's mom began to get really sick. It was really bad and very sadly, she was dying. Melissa did help take care of her, which surprised a lot of people. There were people that warned me about Melissa. But I didn't listen. I believed everything she told me. She was my best friend. They didn't know her like I did. So they couldn't possibly know what they were talking about. But when it came down to it, it wasn't them who were wrong. It was me. The day that Eric's mom died, Melissa left him to move in with another guy. I knew she was unhappy. But I never saw this coming. Since I was friends with both of them, there were plenty of times when I was put in the middle and always asked questions like, what did he say, what is she doing, etc. It was stressful at times and difficult at times. But they were my friends and I wanted to do anything I could to help them both. All I wanted was for both of them to be happy. 

Then one day, I didn't hear from Melissa. I called her. I texted her. I emailed her. Nothing. One day turned into two. Then a week. Then a month. And before I knew it eight months had gone by. During this whole time, my husband and I remained really good friends with Eric. Also during this whole time, I was devastated. I felt like part of me had been ripped away. I was brokenhearted. Here was someone that was like a sister to me and we were inseparable for 4 years and out of nowhere, our relationship came to a screeching halt without any kind of explanation.

So like I said, eight months goes by and nothing. Then one day I go on my My Space page. And there is a message ... from Melissa. She told me she had to cut off all communication and interaction with me bcuz I kept talking about Eric and reminding her about Eric. Remembering back, the only time I talked about him was when she would ask about him, which was happening quite a bit during that time from the time she left him to the time she quit talking to me. After reading her message, I didn't know what to think. All kinds of emotions flooded through me. But the first thing that came to mind was that I needed to let Eric know about this. So I forward the message to him saying "look what I just got in my My Space inbox." I also told my husband about it. He was just as surprised as I was. So she wanted to be friends again. I was really apprehensive about it. So then I get a message back from Eric saying that Melissa messaged him a couple of weeks before and they have been talking the whole time. WHAT?!!! I couldn't believe he didn't tell me. But I can kind of understand why. So then he says he wants Melissa and I to talk and get things worked out. So bcuz of our friendship with Eric, I agreed to meet with her and maybe work things out. But as I said, apprehension was on the top of the list of emotions I was feeling. I wasn't about to let her take advantage of me again. It just wasn't going to happen. So we tried again. But it was never the same. And once she realized that she didn't have any kind of power over me like before and that our friendship would never be like it was before, we talked less and less and then had a huge blowup and it was done. 

Ok, let me back up a bit. During the time when we were so close, I cross stitched a gift for her. She absolutely loves a specific symbol. So I came across a cross stitch pattern of this symbol that was completely amazing and beautiful. I stitched it and gave it to her for her birthday one year. She loved it. Well after the whole reconnection, I asked her if I could have the piece to enter into the fair. She said yes and when she got it for me, she had it sitting on the top shelf of her closet in her bedroom like she didn't care at all about it. So after I entered it into the fair, I just kept it. I hung it up in my house. I figured if she didn't care about it then I would just keep it and hang it up so that people could see it rather than it sitting on a closet shelf and collecting dust. Ok, so I know that probably wasn't the right thing to do, but it hurt me that she wouldn't care about something that I put so much love and care and work into. After nearly a year, she saw a picture of this piece with the ribbon from the fair on my My Space page. She commented ... "can I have this back now?" I didn't respond right away, but my husband commented back saying, "she made this for a friend. And a real friend would pay back the money you owe her." Well that's what started the huge blowup. She got super pissed off and went on a long rant on a message on My Space. One of the things she said was that the cross stitch piece that I made her wasn't worth a penny much less the amount of money that she owed me. She said I was making our friendship all about money. Plus she said all kinds of more mean and nasty things including making it seem like I was her and she was me. Does that make sense? She said she was the nice, kind and generous person and I was the one that took advantage of her. Everyone that knows us knows that this wasn't true. 

So once again, we quit talking. Now this time, her & Eric got remarried and she forbid him to talk to us at all. However, my husband and Eric work together, so eventually they were talking all the time at work. So that's how I would find out how things were going and what was going on with them is from what Eric would tell my husband at work. Over the past year, they've been having a lot of issues. And then about three or four months ago, Melissa started taking trips to another state to see people she knew there, including some family. After one of the trips she got really distant with Eric and went on a yelling rant. So he asked her if she wanted a divorce. She said yes. And then two months ago she got a moving truck and moved to the other state. And with that Eric and I were finally able to start talking again and we've all been hanging out and things have been good. 

And then there's the old saying that all good things come to an end. About one or two weeks ago, he got messages from her saying she was going to go on a trip to visit a family member and then after that she was going to go back to where she's been living and get a moving truck and move back here. He said after she left this time and after he filed for divorce that he wouldn't take her back if she wanted to come back. But I knew that he would. He really truly loves her. And that's not going to change. And I certainly don't hold any ill will towards him over this. My husband and I just want him to be happy. We do understand that it might mean that he will once again be forbidden to talk with us. But he needs to do what he needs to do in order to be happy. I can't say that I'm going to like it if he's forbidden to talk or hang out with us. He told me that if they do get back together that there will be ground rules that he will lay down. And the first one will be that he will continue to talk and hang out with us as well as his best friend that he's known since he was a kid. And that will be cool. 

So I don't know what will happen once they get back together. Only time will tell. I don't know if she'll forbid him to talk to us. Or if she'll want to make amends with us. Who knows. I do know that the money situation will have to be resolved. And of course I will have to return the cross stitched piece back to her. If she even wants it. After everything, I can't say that I don't miss my best friend. I really do. I miss all the fun we had together. I miss hanging out with her. I miss our friendship very much. I just don't know if it can ever be the same, as much as I would like it to.

So that's my crazy mixed up post for today. 

Until Next Time,

♥ Margie ♥

Almost Was Asleep at a Normal Time ...

So it's 1:33am. I started to fall asleep on the couch just after 10pm and convinced my husband that we needed to get some sleep. He was falling asleep on the couch as well and since he has to be up at 4am for work I thought it would be a good idea. But once we got into bed, he of course had no trouble falling back asleep, but I however, was not so lucky. A feeling of total alertness came over me and so here I am wide awake in the middle of the night again ... lol. Such is life right? 

So how about them Bears?! I am really looking forward to Sunday's game. Da Bears are going to beat those packers DOWN!!! And for the Pittsburgh/NYJ game, my pick is Pittsburgh! Should be a great day of football! 

I know this is a short entry. But I'd really like to try to get some sleep so that I might be able to have a somewhat productive day tomorrow (actually today) rather than being tired all day. 

Until Next Time,

♥ Margie ♥

A Night of Insomnia Once Again ...

So here I am once again, it's nearly 2:30am and I find myself unable to sleep. I really want to be sleeping since I have to be up in less than four hours in order to get my daughter up and ready for school. And I am also feeling very exhausted. I'm guessing at this point that I am so tired that I can't sleep. I laid in bed for just over two hours trying to go to sleep and obviously was unsuccessful. This happens way too often and I find myself finally able to find sleep during the daytime. And that just sucks to be completely honest. Bcuz then I end up not being able to get anything done that I need to get done. It becomes quite frustrating. The other problem that I run into with this insomnia problem is that I end up being hungry. So I eat something, and only then am I able to curl up and fall asleep.

So there are several options that I'm told can help resolve my insomnia, most of which I would rather not bother with. I don't want to have to rely on chemicals in order to get sleep. Plus I don't want to take something that's going to make me groggy in the morning or sleep too long or sleep too hard to where I don't hear my alarm and I oversleep. I've tried melatonin and it just doesn't seem to work for me. I have prescription muscle relaxers bcuz of my back and neck issues and that doesn't help me sleep either.

So what to do. Now I'm not saying that this happens every single night. Bcuz once in a while after several nights of this, I do get to a point where I reach complete and utter exhaustion at a normal time of night and I get a good nights sleep once in a while. And then the following night I end up being up nearly all night and the process starts all over again. I'm so tired of being tired nearly all the time.

So now it's nearly 3:30am and I am going to attempt to get to sleep again, with only 2 1/2 hours until I have to get up again.

Ever Tired and Frustrated,
Margie



PS ~ Ok, not sure why the timestamp settings seem to be off on my blog, but know that even tho this entry says it's posted at 2:28am it is actually 3:28am. Couldn't figure out how to fix that. 

RIP Corey Haim

I woke up this morning and got on the computer to discover that 80's Lost Boy, Corey Haim had died of what police suspect as an accidental drug overdose. How sad is that. Sad that he has become yet another child star statistic. Sad that drugs have caused the demise of yet another celebrity. And "accidental"?! All the people that use/overuse drugs, either illegal or prescription, know that eventually it can kill them. I would imagine that is part of the rush of using them. Addiction is a disease. And until those addicted reach a point that they can't take it anymore, they won't want to quit. They won't admit there is a problem. Corey's poor mother could do nothing other than call 911, as she watched her son collapse right in front of her, and watch her son begin to die. To those that have never known the wrath of addiction, it may seem simple. Just quit using the drugs or quit drinking alcohol. Easy right? Not so much. Although I myself have never been in that boat myself, I have known people that have. Most addicts and alcoholics don't see that they have a problem. Some don't care if they do. Some think that if they are only smoking pot or only drinking beer, then they couldn't possibly have a problem. Denial. Most also have to reach rock bottom in order to see reality. The reality of what they've done to themselves, to their lives, to their loved ones, to each person that has contact with them. And sadly for some, rock bottom is death. As is the case with Corey Haim. Sadly, he won't be able to turn his life around and make amends with him mom or friends and family members. I have heard that his lifetime friend, Corey Feldman, also abuses drugs. One of my brother's friends went to high school with them. And partied with them. One can only hope that Corey Feldman learns from his friend's mistakes and is able to rise above the addiction. And not become a statistic himself.

So there's my "food for thought" for the today. My thoughts & heart go out to Corey Haim's family, friends and loved ones. May his spirit fly in peace.

RIP Corey Haim
1971-2010

Poor Neglected Blog :~(

So it seems that I have neglected this blog for far too long. It has been over a year since my last post and I don't have very many posts on here as it is! Shame on me! I have thought to post here several times and just never got around to it. Well that has got to change! So rather than leave this blog hiding somewhere on the top shelf, I'm dusting off the cobwebs and bringing it back to life! There will be times when I just need to vent about things happening in life, or random thoughts or current events or whatever. But I am going to make every attempt to keep this blog more active. Some of you know that I also have a cross stitch blog that I keep called It's All About Cross Stitch. And that one is much more active than this one as I am almost always stitching and post progress. But with some more effort, I will make this one just as, if not more, active than my stitching blog. I would very much like to have a blog that people visit & read regularly.

So please spread the word and help me get more followers! I'm trying to come up with some catchy name to call my blog other than what it is now, although I'm not quite sure what that should be just yet. I have a few ideas.

Thanks for following and until next time,
~ ♥ ~ Margie ~ ♥ ~

Thought I'd Share

It just occurred to me that I hadn't shared any pictures of myself as of yet. I am usually the one taking the pictures so I am never actually IN any of them. Here are a few pictures that were taken at my high school reunion with some of my very good friends from high school.










I am the one on the left in all the pictures. They're not the best of pictures. It was very warm in the room that the reunion was in. But it was so much fun!!!

Until Next Time,
♥ Margie ♥